Leprechauns Are Dicks (8.29.12)

Prompt: Two young people get to the end of the rainbow and discover not a pot of gold, but... 

#29: LEPRECHAUNS ARE DICKS

Written

by

Sean Pollock

(Lights up on a bare stage, with a huge, seemingly endless, pot of gold center stage. The lights are rainbow color, and the theatre is bursting with polychromatic colors. Enter GEORGE and HARRIET)

HARRIET: Oh my god! We did it! George, we did it! We’re at the end of the Rainbow!

GEORGE: Oh my god, you’re right! We’re here! We’re really here!

(Harriet and George hug. Then they begin to kiss. Enter a LEPRECHAUN)

LEPRECHAUN: Top of the mornin’ to ya, lad and lassie.

(Harriet and George stop kissing and look at him)

HARRIET: Oh my god, are you a leprechaun?!

LEPRECHAUN: Ay! I is!

HARRIET: Oh my god…wow. Hi. Ok. Nice to meet you. I’m Harriet, this is my husband George.

(They all shake hands)

LEPRECHAUN: How do ya do?

HARRIET: Great.

GEORGE: Yeah, just great. We’ve been actually traveling the world for about, um…how long has it been, honey?

HARRIET: Six months.

GEORGE: Yeah, six months. And uh—we’ve been following the rainbow, trying to find out where it ends, you know?

HARRIET: —Because there’s a pot of gold at the end, you know?

GEORGE: Yeah…so. We’re kind of…um….

HARRIET: Well we’re both on unemployment now, but we really REALLY need this money.

LEPRECHAUN: Well congratulations lad and lassie. Ya at the end of the rainbow, and right there is the pot of gold yer lookin’ fer—

HARRIET: I know. So if we could just go ahead and take that—

LEPRECHAUN: But there is one little…condition on the pot of gold.

GEORGE: What?

LEPRECHAUN: Well…the gold is at the bottom of the pot. You see, the pot is filled with boiling hot water, and you’ll only get the gold if you swim into it and get into it at the bottom.

GEORGE: Ok.

LEPRECHAUN: But I mean the water is like, really hot, laddie. And there’s piranhas in the water, and also the water has been infected with HIV, dirty heroin needles, and lots and lots of human waste. If one of ya’s willin to get the gold at the bottom, it’s yers. But you have to swim fer it.

(George and Harriet look at each other)

GEORGE: Dirty heroin needles? AIDS infested water?

HARRIET: Well we’ve come this far…

GEORGE: Still…

HARRIET: Don’t worry George. I’ll do it.

GEORGE: Harriet—

HARRIET: No, George. I need to. (to the Leprechaun) I’ll do it.

LEPRECHAUN: Go on in, lassie.

(She takes off her skirt and rolls up her sleeves, takes a deep breath and then jumps into the pot. A silence)

GEORGE: How long do you think she’ll be swimming for?

LEPRECHAUN: Could be a few minutes, could be a few hars. Who knows, laddie?

(A silence. The Leprechaun takes out a pipe and begins to smoke it)

LEPRECHAUN: Ya came all this way fer a pot of gold, didjya lassie?

GEORGE: Yeah.

LEPRECHAUN: To be ‘onest, she might not make it. If you really care about her, you’ll go in and save her, and when ya get out, I’ll give you some gold I have myself just for tryin.

GEORGE: Really?

LEPRECHAUN: Yes, laddie.

GEORGE: Alright.

(He takes off his shirt and his pants and hovers over the pot)

GEORGE: Here I go.

(He jumps into the pot)

LEPRECHAUN: Stupid humans. Don’t they know that leprechauns are known for their trickery?

(He takes out a sack of gold from his blazer)

LEPRECHAUN: No human will ever be able to touch my lucky charms. Never!

(Leprechaun skips offstage. Lights fade…)