#1: PROFESSIONAL MAID OF HONOR
PROMPT: It’s the first day of work, and your main character’s new job is very different from what they thought.
It was too difficult in the middle of a new job to write about my current job. Too many emotions to process. So I looked on this website below and found out there are Professional Bridesmaids. So I tweaked it a little.
#1: PROFESSIONAL MAID OF HONOR
A dressing room with MANDA, the bride-to-be, and her Maid of Honor, SMITHY. SMITHY is helping MANDA get dressed for her MANDA’s wedding.
/ indicate interruptions because I’m seeing a lot of that now in writing so I guess that’s what people are doing now.
MANDA: Ok. Half an hour til showtime. (anxious) Woooo!
SMITHY: (genuinely enthusiastic) Wooooo!
MANDA: Time to do this thang. I am getting married. I am becoming Mrs. Davidson-Taylor!
SMITHY: That’s hyphenated, right?
MANDA: Yeah. Sutton and I just decided it made sense. I know it’s a bit 90’s slash early 2000’s but/
SMITHY: /No people still do that. My co worker/
MANDA: It’s tough because it’s like. I want to honor her but like also keep my own name. And it’s so uh.../
SMITHY: Old fashioned.
MANDA: Yeah, just...so antiquated. Patriarchal.
SMITHY: Right.
MANDA: So um, yeah.
SMITHY: Yeah.
MANDA: So can I ask you something?
SMITHY: Depends.
MANDA: How did you...I mean. How did you get into this?
SMITHY: Oh god. Completely by accident.
MANDA: Yeah?
SMITHY: I used to be a bridal model up until a year ago.
MANDA: That makes sense. You’re like a 10, honey!
SMITHY: Oh. Thanks--
MANDA: Don’t take that as me hitting on you. After all, I’m about to be a married lady! (anxious) Woo!
SMITHY: Woo!
MANDA: Woooooo!
SMITHY: Yeah!
MANDA: But yeah, no. I mean. Sorry. Continue.
SMITHY: So anyway I was living in Manhattan at the time, and I was living in Midtown of all places. And all of a sudden, one day, out of nowhere, I just...I got pushed in front of a subway.
MANDA: Oh my god. No. No. No. What a Nightmare. That’s like A Nightmare Before Christmas.
Nightmare On Elm Street. Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.
(beat) Wait so what happened?
(beat) Wait so what happened?
SMITHY: This guy Harold...he rescued me. The train was like 5 minutes away.
He just jumped in and dragged me out. The police came/
He just jumped in and dragged me out. The police came/
MANDA: God.
SMITHY: /Yeah and it just like/
MANDA: Did they find out who did it?
SMITHY: Yeah it was this...this Off Broadway actress. Total mental breakdown. Really sad.
And anyway. She pushed me really hard and it like...first off all gave me tenatinis so I now hear fucking
ringing all the time in my ears but I like just shut down. Completely. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep.
I really couldn’t sleep. I just. I couldn’t stop remembering my life almost ending.
My parents took me to get help, and I got some electroshock and...I just.
I went back to modeling for a second but would have intense panic attacks and I just...ah.
This woman like took my life from me, y'know? Like she totally fucking rattled my brain. (beat)
My agent and my manager dropped me. (beat) The work dried up. (beat) I was fucked. (beat)
And I had no real employable skills, I mean I always loved wedding stuff, which is ironic, since I’ve never
been married. But like, I just--since I was 18--this was my life was modeling. (beat)
So anyway one of my old modeling friends, she dropped out of the industry to become an artist
and a freelancer and she told me about FindAMaidOfHonor.com and this is...my first real gig.
And anyway. She pushed me really hard and it like...first off all gave me tenatinis so I now hear fucking
ringing all the time in my ears but I like just shut down. Completely. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep.
I really couldn’t sleep. I just. I couldn’t stop remembering my life almost ending.
My parents took me to get help, and I got some electroshock and...I just.
I went back to modeling for a second but would have intense panic attacks and I just...ah.
This woman like took my life from me, y'know? Like she totally fucking rattled my brain. (beat)
My agent and my manager dropped me. (beat) The work dried up. (beat) I was fucked. (beat)
And I had no real employable skills, I mean I always loved wedding stuff, which is ironic, since I’ve never
been married. But like, I just--since I was 18--this was my life was modeling. (beat)
So anyway one of my old modeling friends, she dropped out of the industry to become an artist
and a freelancer and she told me about FindAMaidOfHonor.com and this is...my first real gig.
MANDA: Wow. (beat) How do I look?
SMITHY: Turn around. See for yourself.
Manda looks at a full length mirror, unseen to us.
MANDA: (seeing herself for the first time) Holy shit. Wow. This is really happening.
I feel...so outside my body right now. I feel like I’m looking at someone else. (she touches her face)
Is this real? Is this really my face? (touches her dress) Am I really wearing this? Is this real?
I feel...so outside my body right now. I feel like I’m looking at someone else. (she touches her face)
Is this real? Is this really my face? (touches her dress) Am I really wearing this? Is this real?
SMITHY: Yes. It’s all real, Manda. You’re getting married.
MANDA: Ah… Woo!
SMITHY: Woo-Hoo!
MANDA: Woo-Hoo…! (back to Smithy) Wait, can you help me with my makeup?
SMITHY: I’m not really...a makeup artist. I mean, don’t you have someone else to do that?
This just wasn’t/
This just wasn’t/
MANDA: Uh/
SMITHY: Part of the...deal. I mean you should’ve maybe booked some/
MANDA: I had someone. And she um. She called me in a panic this morning and told me she um...
she got a Q Tip stuck in her ear and had to go to the ER.
she got a Q Tip stuck in her ear and had to go to the ER.
SMITHY: Oh my god.
MANDA: Yeah um. It was. I mean I had a panic attack for like 30 minutes and cried but then I like took a
Xanax was like um… you know what? Makeup is bullshit and like, you know, Suttons not wearing it!
So why should I? Like yeah this was my vision to have makeup but who cares, right? Woo! Woo!
I’m getting married. Woo! So why don’t you do this, why don’t you go into my bag and take what ever’s
there and I’ll just give you a little extra...take $20. Or whatever you think is fair. Request on Venmo, even.
Xanax was like um… you know what? Makeup is bullshit and like, you know, Suttons not wearing it!
So why should I? Like yeah this was my vision to have makeup but who cares, right? Woo! Woo!
I’m getting married. Woo! So why don’t you do this, why don’t you go into my bag and take what ever’s
there and I’ll just give you a little extra...take $20. Or whatever you think is fair. Request on Venmo, even.
SMITHY: Ok. Luckily I can do this but I am going to take you up on that $20.
(She goes into Manda’s bag. Takes a $20. Gets out her lipstick, mascara).
SMITHY: Why did you hire me, Mandy? It seems so crazy to me that you don’t have someone in your life to do this.
MANDA: Oh well. Yknow. Shit happens. All of my friends hate Sutton.
They think she doesn’t treat me right cuz we fight. So there’s that, but also like, I’m an only child and
as you get older, a lot of things change in your friend group.
My best friend Chloe was my close friend from childhood and then she had an Oxycotton addiction and
stole all my jewellery and then once I confronted her tried to burn down my apartment.
They think she doesn’t treat me right cuz we fight. So there’s that, but also like, I’m an only child and
as you get older, a lot of things change in your friend group.
My best friend Chloe was my close friend from childhood and then she had an Oxycotton addiction and
stole all my jewellery and then once I confronted her tried to burn down my apartment.
SMITHY: Wow.
MANDA: And then my other best friend Jenny moved like, to fucking Australia with her hot ass Australian wife.
My friend Zander, he got married and has like 3 adopted kids and his wife is ultra rich and controlling and he’s just like, not even in my life.
My friend Jill jumped off her roof two years ago. And the remaining friends I do have, like I said, they don’t like Sutton.
And in fairness she’s tough. But they don’t support my marriage and they’re not my real friends anymore. So.
My friend Zander, he got married and has like 3 adopted kids and his wife is ultra rich and controlling and he’s just like, not even in my life.
My friend Jill jumped off her roof two years ago. And the remaining friends I do have, like I said, they don’t like Sutton.
And in fairness she’s tough. But they don’t support my marriage and they’re not my real friends anymore. So.
SMITHY: Oh. I see.
MANDA: But back to your point about the subway thing?
It’s funny how we never think things can happen to us, that we’re impervious from so much.
When I was a little girl and I realized I was gay, I was like Oh my god. Like I can’t marry a woman.
I’ll never walk down the aisle with another bride. I’ll just marry a man
and not disappoint my parents and I’ll have children and whatever. And then that changed.
It’s funny how we never think things can happen to us, that we’re impervious from so much.
When I was a little girl and I realized I was gay, I was like Oh my god. Like I can’t marry a woman.
I’ll never walk down the aisle with another bride. I’ll just marry a man
and not disappoint my parents and I’ll have children and whatever. And then that changed.
SMITHY: Pucker?
(She does. Then she pops).
MANDA: And then I went to college and thought GOD this was so hard I’ll never go back. And then I got two PHDs. And I thought I’d never date a man ever. Then I dated this super femmy guy and everyone was confused and I was confused too and it felt like not authentically me, just, weird good off and on sex. And also for most of my life I was fat, like really fat, and I was like I’ll never go on a successful diet. And I did and I worked out and lost like 50 pounds. And I thought I’d never work in a corporation and then I became head of Human Resources and then I said I’ll never be monogamous because everyone sucks and I love fucking everyone and then here I am getting. (beat) Wait. No. Stop.
SMITHY: What?
MANDA: I can’t do this. No. I’m not a real bride. I am not anyone. I’m like a bunch of flesh and bones and a talking mouth. No. Sutton doesn’t deserve me. I’m awful.
SMITHY: What?!!?!? No!!! Manda!!!!! You’re getting married!!! WOO!!!
MANDA: No WOO!!!! NO WOOO!!
SMITHY: WOO!! WAHOO!! WOO! WOO! WOO!
MANDA: SMITHY I CAN’T STOP HAVING SEX WITH THIS 20 YEAR OLD CASHIER FROM MCDONALDS
AND SHES 18 AND STILL HAS BRACES AND I DON’T WANNA STOP. I WANNA TRAVEL STILL.
I WANNA KEEP EXPERIENCING LIFE. I ALSO HATE KIDS SO MUCH
AND SUTTON WANTS THEM AND I SAID I WOULD FOR US TO MAKE A NEW FAMILY
BUT I DON’T KIDS ARE THE GOD DAMN WORST!!!! I DONT WANT DIRTY DIAPERS OR A LIFE
OF DOMESTICITY!!!! I WANT TO. UM. GET OUT OF THIS!!!!
AND SHES 18 AND STILL HAS BRACES AND I DON’T WANNA STOP. I WANNA TRAVEL STILL.
I WANNA KEEP EXPERIENCING LIFE. I ALSO HATE KIDS SO MUCH
AND SUTTON WANTS THEM AND I SAID I WOULD FOR US TO MAKE A NEW FAMILY
BUT I DON’T KIDS ARE THE GOD DAMN WORST!!!! I DONT WANT DIRTY DIAPERS OR A LIFE
OF DOMESTICITY!!!! I WANT TO. UM. GET OUT OF THIS!!!!
SMITHY: Nooooo nooo this is normal. Lots of people get excited then get cold-feety feelings. I
t’s a big decision. But you’re gonna go through with it.
t’s a big decision. But you’re gonna go through with it.
MANDA: STOP!!
(Manda takes Smithy’s face. A moment. Then they start going at it)
SMITHY: Wait this isn’t right--this isn’t right!
MANDA: Do you want this? You want this? Is this consensual right now?
SMITHY: I mean you’re really, really hot but this is so…
MANDA: Naughty.
(Manda begins taking off Smithy’s pants)
SMITHY: This is...oh wow. This is just not what I thought.
(She takes off her socks. Starts sucking her feet)
SMITHY: Wait I don’t know. Feet sucking?
MANDA: Go in my purse. Get some more money. Let me worship your feet.
SMITHY: Oh wow.
MANDA: Then let’s escape. Let’s just go. Let’s just go.
(A moment. Smithy takes Manda’s purse and empties it. A few other $20’s fall.
She stuffs them in her bra).
She stuffs them in her bra).
SMITHY: Ok. Lets...lets keep doing this.
MANDA: (excited beyond belief) Wooo!!!!
SMITHY: (nervously) Wooo….!
(Hard blackout).
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