Secondary Opinions About Your Physical Features (8.1.14)

Prompt:  Try using one of the following lines to start your play: I wish you wouldn't do that/Did you bring it/Who invited you/What did you do with it/The answer is no/We're going to a funeral--you cannot wear that/I need to borrow $500.

#1: SECONDARY OPINIONS ABOUT YOUR PHYSICAL FEATURES

MOM: I wish you wouldn't do that

(Sean sighs)

MOM: I really, really wish you wouldn't do that to yourself I mean it just It looks

SEAN: Mom, I'm in the arts No one cares

MOM: I know, but--

SEAN: I live in Ithaca fucking New York

MOM: Your father and I do not give you money to spend on drugs, and

SEAN: I spent this money from my paycheck. I used this money from my paycheck and I used it to

MOM: You know this is gonna close a lot of doors for you

SEAN: How

MOM: You look like a punk

SEAN: So what

MOM: Really that's how you want to present yourself to people

SEAN: Why can't you just stop trying to control how I look I'm twenty one years old

MOM: You know what Let's get some secondary opinions.

(Enter MY BROTHER)

MY BROTHER: Huh I remember I got my tongue pierced I guess I was seventeen though although I guess you are a little bit older

(Enter MARGIE, my Mom's best friend)

MARGIE: I don't like how that looks I don't like that look why do you have to do that to yourself (does that shredder when something gives you the creeps)

(Enter TESS, one of my friends who has an anarchist tattoo on her wrist)

TESS: Fuck her man you should just say to her Yeah well I don't like perms fuck her you look great

(Enter SAMMI, my best friend)

SAMMI: Honestly you look like you're either gonna shred mad pussy or eat mad ass

(Enter DAVID, a theatre professor who looks good for his age)

DAVID: I don't know if I would hire you I don't know I mean I came from a different generation but I think a lot of people are coming around and I think you really belong with a younger theatre company anyway like in Brooklyn or something so I don't know but maybe you should ask some people and ask what they think

(Enter LEXY, an associate director with a pixie haircut)

LEXY: I mean when I worked in Steppenwolf I removed mine only because it's a big regional theatre but ultimately I don't think it really matters 

(Enter FRIENDS WHO I'VE FORGOTTEN #1 and #2)

FWIF #1: Would you really want to work someplace that wouldn't hire you because of that anyway

FWIF #2: I mean if I didn't know you I'd be scared to fuck with you

(Enter SOPHIE, a cleaning lady)

SOPHIE: Which one of these doesn't look like the other

(All of a sudden, all the secondary opinions begin talking at once, surrounding SEAN:)

MY BROTHER: Huh I remember I got my tongue pierced I guess I was seventeen though although I guess you are a little bit older

MARGIE: I don't like how that looks I don't like that look why do you have to do that to yourself (does that shredder when something gives you the creeps)

TESS: Fuck her man you should just say to her Yeah well I don't like perms fuck her you look great

SAMMI: Honestly you look like you're either gonna shred mad pussy or eat mad ass

DAVID: I don't know if I would hire you I don't know I mean I came from a different generation but I think a lot of people are coming around and I think you really belong with a younger theatre company anyway like in Brooklyn or something so I don't know but maybe you should ask some people and ask what they think

LEXY: I mean when I worked in Steppenwolf I removed mine only because it's a big regional theatre but ultimately I don't think it really matters 

FWIF #1: Would you really want to work someplace that wouldn't hire you because of that anyway

FWIF #2: I mean if I didn't know you I'd be scared to fuck with you

SOPHIE: Which one of these doesn't look like the other

(All of a sudden, SEAN screams)

SEAN: You know what I don't care I don't fucking care what you think I did this for a reason I'm not an actor anymore I don't want to have to worry about how I look it makes me feel fucking sexy and I don't feel that very often Why can't you just accept that

MOM: 

SEAN: I'm going to go clean them now

(Blackout, as Sean goes to clean his piercings. End of play)