A Pitch Only Birds Could Hear [8.24.12]

#24: A PITCH ONLY BIRDS COULD HEAR

A play for Matthew Conner and Saiorse Andrews

inspired by real events

Written

by

Sean Pollock

(Lights rise on a MAN and WOMAN on a climbing onto a rooftop from his window. The rooftop floor is white and covered in tarp. The wall against the rooftop is made from exposed brick, and has some graffiti sprayed on it. On the wall is a window, which the MAN crawls through the window first, and then steps onto the roof. The woman has a bit more difficulty, and the Man helps her. She is wearing a blue bathroom, holding a bottle of wine)

MAN: You got it?

WOMAN: Yeah I think I do.

MAN: Just hurdle yourself over it.

(She does. She then almost falls out, but he catches her)

MAN: I gotchu babe.

WOMAN: Sorry, I’m a little drunk.

MAN: I can tell.

(The Woman steps onto the roof and explores it)

WOMAN: So this is really your roof huh?

MAN: Yup.

WOMAN: No one else is allowed on it?

MAN: Well technically no one’s allowed on it, says the landlord.

WOMAN: Oh.

MAN: But I’m the only one who has access to it.

WOMAN: Ah, I see.

MAN: Yeah.

(A silence)

WOMAN: It’s beautiful up here.

MAN: Thanks.

WOMAN: Like, you have the whole view of the Commons, just to yourself.

MAN: Yeah.

(A silence)

WOMAN: You know what you should do?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Aren’t you doing that playwriting project? 31 plays in 31 days?

MAN: Yeah.

WOMAN: You should include this.

MAN: This…?

WOMAN: This moment. As one of your plays.

MAN: Should I?

WOMAN: Yeah.

MAN: This wouldn’t make a good play.

WOMAN: Why?

MAN: This moment alone? Not good enough.

WOMAN: Well I don’t know. I’m not a playwright. I’m just suggesting

.

MAN: But you are on to something.

(He takes out his bird caller necklace)

MAN: This would make a good play.

WOMAN: What?

MAN: This necklace. If I twist this little knob here, it makes a high-pitched noise that only birds can hear.

WOMAN: Oh wow.

MAN: But I don’t use it often because it’s been a family heirloom for years. It has special powers.

WOMAN: Oh?

MAN: When you speak it, it eminates a certain high pitch that only birds can hear. And it makes them shit themselves.

WOMAN: No way.

MAN: Yeah way.

WOMAN: Try it. I dare you.

(The Man squeaks it a few times. We hear birds in the distance squaking and pooping and townspeople screaming in horror)

TOWNSPERSON: (off-stage) Sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph! I’m covered in bird turds! Bird turds!

(The Man and Woman erupt in the laughter. Suddenly some birds starting pooping on them. They scream in horror, but then laugh about it and finish drinking the wine. Lights fade…)