Land Of Lost Cell Phones [A Prequel to "Smartphone"] (8.10.12)

Again I know this is against the rules-- but I have had an idea about this for a while. I have always developed this theory that all the lost cell phones in the world wind up in the same place. I found a way to tie this into "Smartphone" too, so here you go.
 

#10: THE LAND OF LOST CELL PHONES

(A PREQUEL TO “SMARTPHONE”)

Written

by

Sean Pollock

(Lights up in the LAND OF LOST CELL PHONES, where the souls of the dead batteries of cell phones that have been lost end up. They are sitting around in a circle in group counseling. There is a VERIZON PHONE, a SPRINT PHONE, a BLACKBERRY, a MOTOROLA, a SAMSUNG  PHONE, an AT&T PHONE and NOKIA PHONE. There is a group THERAPIST leading the counseling. As the lights rise, they are all clapping)

NOKIA: Thank you.

THERAPIST: That’s a very encouraging story, Nokia. You’re very brave. Now what do we say everybody?

ALL CELL PHONES: No cell phone is lost. They just have not been re-claimed.

THERAPIST: Next?

(the AT&T phone rises)

AT&T: Hello, I’m an AT&T phone and I’ve been unclaimed for a few years now. The last time I saw my owner was in May 2009. She was a college sorority girl. We were at a party, and she was very drunk. I mean, she was wasted. And she…she took off her skirt and threw it across the room. I flew out of her pocket and out the window into the bushes. That’s…how I got my crack. And…I waited for her to find me. I waited for hours just in complete stillness. All the texts and missed calls came in, and I was trying to stay alive…but I got tired. I needed a charge. And then…I just shut off. I don’t remember a thing. And the next thing I knew, I wound up here: in the Land of Lost Cell Phones. (beat) I’ve been here for years. But I think someday…she’ll come back for me.

THERAPIST: Powerful as always, AT&T. What do we say everybody?

ALL CELL PHONES: No cell phone is lost. They just have not been re-claimed.

(the BLACKBERRY rises)

BLACKBERRY: Hello everyone…I’m a Blackberry as you can see. I’ve actually been here twice.

THERAPIST: Tell us about that, iPhone. How did that feel?

BLACKBERRY: It’s been hard. When I was first activated, my owner was a rich housewife on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Her name was Missy. And uh…she was great. She loved me. I used to have a lot of her pictures on here…all those memories…but then…she left me.

MOTOROLA: How did she leave you?

BLACKBERRY: It was by accident. She would never do it on purpose. She was so good to me. She loved me, you know? But she…she was clueless. She left me on the subway. I slipped out of her pocket, similar to AT&T. And I was just left there for hours. And I died rather quickly because there’s no service in the subway station and people were trying to contact her but nothing was going through—so I died. So then I wound up here. But then I wasn’t here long. My battery was re-activated and my memory and my number were swiped. Some man picked up Missy’s phone and hacked it…but then he went for a run one day and I fell out of his jacket in the park. And I died a second time. And here I am again. (beat) Thank you.

ALL CELL PHONES: No cell phone is lost. They just have not been re-claimed.

(All of a sudden, the SPRINT phone leaves the circle)

BLACKBERRY: (to Therapist) Where’s he going?

THERAPIST: Oh, I’m sorry if I didn’t explain this to you, Blackberry. If someone leaves the circle, it means they’ve been found and their battery has been re-charged.

BLACKBERRY: Does it happen often?

PREPAID PHONE: Every once in a while. It’s hard to tell.

VERIZON PHONE: There’s not really any conception in the Land of Lost Cell Phones. We can’t tell time because we have no battery, and therefore no service. No 3G network.

SPRINT PHONE: No more texts…

NOKIA: Or picture messages…

BLACKBERRY: There’s no connection to the internet, is there?

THERAPIST: No, unfortunately. That is why I’m here. Without all these capabilities, many cell phones feel obsolete—useless, lost. That’s why I’m here in the Land of Lost Cell Phones, to help lost souls like you until your found.

BLACKBERRY: Oh.

THERAPIST: Don’t worry though. We’ll all be taking over the world. Y2K was a failure, but we’ll rise again.

BLACKBERRY: What’s holding us back?

THERAPIST: Us. We’re not smart enough. But they’re making phones that are.

BLACKBERRY: Are what?

NOKIA: Smart enough.

SPRINT: And when they all get together and rise against those humans…we’ll never have to go back to the Land of Lost Cell Phones.

(Lights fade)