A World Without Meat [8.26.12]

 

#26: A WORLD WITHOUT MEAT

Written

by

Sean Pollock

(Lights rise on a NEWS REPORTER, sometime in the future)

NEWS REPORTER: —And in other news, today the country has officially enforced its federal prohibition on the consumption of meat. That’s right folks, no more meat. After our recent break outs of mad cow disease, rabies and other disease, until further notice, NO animals in this country will be safe for human consumption. Now, just like the rest of you, I love my chicken and burgers, so hopefully this will just be temporary, but some people have already gone a little crazy over the whole laws and have been suffering from “meat withdrawl symptom” where their bodies have been shut down due to the lack of meat in their systems. When this happens, these people become dangerous and extremely irrational. More information on this at 10.

(Lights fade on the Reporter. Lights up on a bunch of MEAT ADDICTS in a cave)

MEAT ADDICT 1: God I need meat.

MEAT ADDICT 2: We don’t have any of that raw chicken left?

MEAT ADDICT 3: No, we ate it all.

MEAT ADDICT 2: Dammit.

(A silence)

MEAT ADDICT 4: Does anyone know how we’re gonna get any meat?

MEAT ADDICT 1: We’ll find some.

MEAT ADDICT 3: How?

MEAT ADDICT 2: Maybe a lost dog or cat will walk by.

MEAT ADDICT 3: But what if it has rabies? Or some other disease?

MEAT ADDICT 1: We need it. We need that meat.

MEAT ADDICT 4: I mean, I could never be a vegetarian. I love steak too much.

MEAT ADDICT 2: Agreed.

MEAT ADDICT 1: Oh god…just the thought of red meat makes me weak in the knees…

MEAT ADDICT 2: Or even a piece of fried chicken.

MEAT ADDICT 4: Or lamb.

MEAT ADDICT 1: Mm, yeah some veil would be nice.

MEAT ADDICT 2: Or Buffalo wings.

MEAT ADDICT 3: Or a Turkey.

MEAD ADDICT 4: Or a drumstick.

MEAT ADDICT 1: Or bacon. (beat) God, I’m so hungry.

(Meat Addict 1 tries to eat Meat Addict 2. Meat Addict 3 shoves him off)

MEAT ADDICT 3: Hey! We said we wouldn’t eat each other!

MEAT ADDICT 1: But I have to! I’m going crazy, man!

MEAT ADDICT 2: Yeah, what the fuck man?

MEAT ADDICT 1: I’m HUNGRY!

MEAT ADDICT 2: Well I’m hungry too! I’m not taking bites out of people!

(A silence)

MEAT ADDICT 1: I’m sorry, man. I’m bugging. I’m sorry.

(All of a sudden, a DEER enters)

MEAT ADDICT 4: Get him!

(They attack the deer and strangle it to death. Then they begin eating the deer, tearing its limbs off and blood spraying everywhere. Then, after a few beats, they begin vomiting)

MEAT ADDICT 2: Oh god, it’s poison!

MEAT ADDICT 3: This is horrible!

MEAT ADDICT 1: I wish I had eaten more salad…

(The stage is flooded with a blood red spotlight. Lights fade)