#10: 100 DOG BALLOONS

Inspired by this video.


 Sorry this is really dark. 
#10: 100 DOG BALLOONS
#10: 100 DOG BALLOONS
Lights rise on a kitchen in Pasadena, California. It is very recently updated--a lot of money was put into it. The floors are very, very polished and the tiles are very white. You could see your reflection in them. There is a pristine white kitchen french door that is left ajar.
Off-stage, a dog barking.

JUDY: Fuck you! Fuck you, fucker! Fucking piece of worthless shit!
The sound of a woman slapping around a dog. The dog whimpers. This goes on for a minute. Since the door is ajar, LINDA enters, knocking-but-not-really knocking.
JUDY: You fucker! Make mama money, dammit! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
The hitting stops eventually. We just hear whimpering and crying of a dog from offstage.

LINDA: Judy…?
JUDY: Oh! Linda!/
LINDA: Is everything/
JUDY: (loudly) --I didn’t hear you a knock.
LINDA: I did, I/
Enter JUDY wearing gloves, wearing a sun hat and gloves.
LINDA: What was that?
JUDY: Huh?
LINDA: The...uh, I heard screaming.
JUDY: (laughs) Oh--that! Oh my god/
LINDA: And whimpering/
JUDY: Ok! So I went out earlier--you’re not gonna believe this. So I was going out to the garden--
LINDA: Mhm…
JUDY: This is like an hour ago. Two hours ago. I was gardening, planting the seeds for the orchid but this bag--this bag of fertilizer--they make them so fucking heavy!/
LINDA: Oh--
JUDY: Not that you’ve ever done it, because you know, you’re overweight and don’t exercise a lot, but, I decide to say you know what? I need a break. And so I get a glass of water and a fresh glass of Lemonade, that I made here, from scratch. And while I’m doing that, I guess I didn’t close the door right away when I left the first time, and Montgomery snuck out!
LINDA: No!
JUDY: Yes! What an absolute disaster/
LINDA: Completely/
JUDY: And so I go out and I catch him in the garden...eating the Orchid Seeds.
LINDA: Oh no!
JUDY: Yes!
LINDA: No…!
JUDY: Yes! Yes and so, I wrap him up in a beach towel because he’s shaking and peeing--
LINDA: How much of them did he eat?
JUDY: Like a lot...and some of the fertilizer--
LINDA: Oh, no.
JUDY: And he’s like, just, covered in it.
LINDA: The?
JUDY: Fertilizer.
LINDA: Oh no.
JUDY: Yes.
LINDA: What a mess!
JUDY: Well anyway--I got the towel because he was filthy, left him in the Master for five seconds while I go run a bath in the master bathroom, and right as you came in, I had come back out and he’s shitting everywhere and I was so mad, because it was all over the brand new carpet.
LINDA: Oh no.
JUDY: So I was about to call you--
LINDA: So wait where is he now?
JUDY: Hm?
LINDA: Where is he now?
JUDY: Montgomery?
LINDA: Yes!
JUDY: He’s in his doggie bed--and I’m about to put him in the bath so I can get two for one, get him to puke if he has to, and get the dirt out--
LINDA: Judy, if he had fertilizer you need to call Animal Control!
JUDY: I think it was just like, a little bit, honestly.
LINDA: If it’s all over him, then he might've still ingested more!
JUDY: Hey Linda, I’m taking care of this. Anyway so now’s a bad time--I’m. I.
LINDA: Can I see him?
JUDY: What!? Linda are you crazy?
LINDA: Can I see him?
JUDY: No...Linda! You can’t!
LINDA: I’m his manager, Judy--why can’t I see my own client. I need to make sure he’s in good health, that he’s not dead--!
JUDY: Linda, fuck off. You couldn’t even keep your own kid from playing in the streets. And what happened? He died. So this is really not in your position to say anything about So this is really not in your position to say anything about how I take care of my dog? Ok.
A long silence. Linda starts crying a little bit.
LINDA: That hurts, Judy. That really hurt me. That wasn’t my fault. He was six/
JUDY: Just let me take care of my damn dog, Linda. He’ll be ready for a practice tomorrow and we can take pictures. I got 100 red balloons getting blown up by my assistant. (a silence) We’re gonna win that Guiness World Record, ok?
A silence.
LINDA: Ok, I’ll go.
JUDY: Thank you.
Linda goes to exit as does Judy, then:
LINDA: Judy?
She stops. The following dialogue is wrought with tension.
LINDA: Please call me if you need help with him.
JUDY: Ok.
LINDA: Could you at least check in with me later tonight?
JUDY: Fine. I’ll call.
LINDA: Thank you.

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