Fried Bacon (Final Part) [8.27.12]
#27: FRIED BACON
(PART SEVEN)
Written
by
Sean Pollock
SCENE NINE
(Lights rise on Nora)
NORA: (addressing the audience) Shelly, Ricky and I all spent the night at a hotel
while Shelly came up with our new plan. She might have been annoying and
slightly air-headed, but she at least had it more figured out than we did.
(Lights rise on the hotel room. Shelly is talking to
Ricky and Nora)
RICKY: Alright, now I have to warn you, Shelly—this mission
is a little more complicated than you think. (beat) We’re not the only ones doing this.
SHELLY: Doing what? Killing cops?
RICKY: Right.
SHELLY: How many more people do we have to worry about?
RICKY: Mostly just one, but technically three. Our ex
partner Florence started this mission and she’s very determined—and she’s got
two goons with her, Lex and Johnny. There was another one, but she killed him.
She’s crazy. She’s ruthless. And she will stop at nothing to kill these
policeman.
SHELLY: So then why did you leave?
(A silence)
RICKY: Well, I was at work, and one of the detectives came
to my work and asked me if I knew Nora and said they had proof of me talking to
her. I got spooked and I ran off. We were supposed to have this policeman
breakfast at our house where we were gonna invite a bunch of cops for breakfast
and then poison their food, but it was too risky. If they saw Nora…things would
be disastrous. Our cover would be blown. So when the cops came I shot them, and
we ran.
SHELLY: Ok, so essentially you have two objectives: to beat
out this Florence bitch and to take down the government. Both of which I can
respect. However, you’re going about it all wrong. You see, I’m an FBI agent.
Do I want to be? No. Am I? Yes. There are several policemen out there who don’t
really want to be policemen, therefore it’s not right to kill them. They’re not
the ones who make the laws.
RICKY: But they’re the ones who enforce them!
SHELLY: Shh. I’m not done talking. (beat) And while yes, cops enforce the laws they are not
solely responsible for those laws. I can certainly appreciate that you both
have been killing cops as practice, because killing cops is a challenge—and so
far in this area alone, it seems like you guys have gotten rid of a lot of them
and been able to get away with it because let me tell you, they are trying to
find you, and Miss Nora here is already a suspect.
(Ricky and Nora look at each other)
SHELLY: But don’t let that stop you by any stretch. You’ve
got me. I’ll protect you, don’t worry. We got this. I got a government
registered car, ID, everything. We’ll be fine. We just got to act fast. We
can’t waste our time just driving around shooting policeman. We have to think
bigger. We have to think outside of the box. We have to think of doing
something that Florence isn’t going to do. We have to beat her at her own game.
NORA: What do you propose we do?
SHELLY: Kill the Governor.
NORA: The governor?
RICKY: Now that’s risky.
SHELLY: (imitating Ricky) “Now that’s risky”. Will you listen to yourself? You’ve killed all
these cops and now you’re worried about killing one more fucking person?
RICKY: It’s not just one fucking person, Shelly. It’s the
governor of our state. A few cops here and there, that’s nothing. But I’m
pretty sure someone’s gonna notice if the governor if our state is gone. And
we’ll get caught.
SHELLY: Not if we do it quick and run. We just got to break
in, shoot and then run. And then we run to the next state, find the next
governor, kill him. And we’ll do this across all fifty states. It only makes
sense for us to kill him. I mean, he’s the head honcho. He’s the one whose really enforcing the laws. He’s the one who fucking MAKES
them. He’s the enemy. Not the cops. I mean, sure, cops are dicks, but they
wouldn’t be dicks if they didn’t have to answer to the man. If you guys were
true anarchists, you’d know the governor of our state is the core of the
government, and unless we kill the bastard, your mission is essentially
pointless.
RICKY: How do we even find where the governor lives?
SHELLY: Trust me, babe. I’m an FBI agent. I got this shit on
lock-down. We leave tomorrow morning, you leave the rest up to me.
(Lights fade on them)
NORA: (addressing the audience) So the next morning we traveled three hours south and
using official government papers that Shelly had, we were able to trace where
the governor lived. (beat) The
plan was that the three of us would break in, kill them, and then get the fuck
out of there. Turns out, breaking and entering the mayor’s house was not as
easy as we thought.
(Lights up on Shelly’s car. Nora sits in the front,
Shelly drives, and Ricky is in back)
RICKY: How close are we?
SHELLY: It says we should be there soon.
RICKY: Well what’s soon?
VOICE OF GPS: (off-stage) Your destination is ahead on the right.
SHELLY: Alright keep your eyes peeled for number 65.
RICKY: God these houses are nice.
SHELLY: Well, we are in the governor’s neighborhood.
VOICE OF GPS: (off-stage) You have arrived at your destination.
SHELLY: Where?! Where is my destination you infernal
machine? (beat) Wait, I see it!
NORA: Really, where?
SHELLY: Just kidding! I have no idea where it is!
RICKY: Oh my god wait…is it possible that it’s that one over
there?
(They both look ahead in the distance)
NORA: The one with the giant gate?
SHELLY: Yup. That’s it. Number 65. Alright, let’s park this
bitch.
(She tries to park the car)
SHELLY: I hate parallel parking.
(She parks it)
SHELLY: Ok, Ricky—you got the pantyhose?
(Ricky gives them black pantyhose to put over their
faces, as well as guns)
SHELLY: Ok now, before we go in, let’s make it snow,
Ricky—what do you say?
RICKY: Let’s do it.
(She takes out a bag of coke from her bra. Nora inspects
the bag)
SHELLY: Please tell me you’ve done coke before.
(Nora shakes her head)
SHELLY: Girl, you cannot do this kind of thing sober. If for
some reason this gets fucked up, we gotta get some drugs in our systems so that
we can pleas for insanity.
(Shelly rolls up a dollar bill. She pours some of the
cocaine in her hand and then snorts it. She passes it to Ricky who does the
same, who passes it to Nora and does the same. She sneezes, and the coke flies
everywhere)
NORA: Oh my god…my nostrils!
SHELLY: Just kidding, guys. That wasn’t coke.
RICKY: What the fuck was it then, Shelly?
SHELLY: Bathsalts!
NORA: My head feels like its going to explode.
RICKY: It’s actually not as bad as I anticipated.
(Shelly does another line)
SHELLY: God, I cannot wait to kill this bitch.
(Lights fade…)
Comments
Post a Comment