#4: FURRTOPIA (SCENE 3)
Scene Three
UNCLE KAGE giving a speech.
UNCLE KAGE: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sam Conway and I'm known in the fandom as
Uncle Kage. I'm the Chairman of this organization.
I want to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight at Furrtopia 2018!
Before I hand out the schedules today, I want to talk about something very important.
Uncle Kage. I'm the Chairman of this organization.
I want to thank each and every one of you for being here tonight at Furrtopia 2018!
Before I hand out the schedules today, I want to talk about something very important.
Gasps.
UNCLE KAGE: But worry not--our classic fun is still going down: cartoons in the morning, the art fairs,
the speakers, the dance contest, daily parades.
the speakers, the dance contest, daily parades.
Cheering.
UNCLE KAGE: However in the interest of transparency, many of you have asked why we are at a
new location in Pittsburgh. And the truth is, there were financial strains as to why we can't be at
The Hilton anymore. And truth be told, it was very difficult to secure a new venue.
But thank god we have found the Westin Hotel to accommodate us! A big round of applause for them!
new location in Pittsburgh. And the truth is, there were financial strains as to why we can't be at
The Hilton anymore. And truth be told, it was very difficult to secure a new venue.
But thank god we have found the Westin Hotel to accommodate us! A big round of applause for them!
Everyone does.
UNCLE KAGE: But I had an experience that really...riled me up. A woman at one of the first hotels I
went to said some really disturbing things to say about us, and made me feel very bad about myself.
And she couldn't even understand at first what we really were. And at the end of the day,
when we go back into the real world after having our question, people are going to ask questions!
And why shouldn't they. We're not afraid of questions. But they'll ask a lot.
And one of the first, maybe right out of the gate, "What is this"? Now, if you say
"...Oh! This is a convention for people that like cartoon characters. That like costumes.
That like puppets. That like drawing. It's got comedians in it." Did you notice all the pictures that marched
across your head when you said, "costumes, puppets, artists, stand-up comedians?" These are all
neat pictures. They are all positive pictures! They are pictures that you like!
We've had a few black eyes given to us by the media. We've had some really good reporting,
and we've had some reporting shall we say...focused on aspects of the fandom that we really try and
minimize. Every piece of bad press we've had all the way to the original MTV episode many years ago
to Tyra Banks has contained the disclaimer "We understand that furries have been treated unfairly by the
media, but we..." Uh huh. Yeah I probably have 600 emails in my archive that have that phrase in them.
They're all lying. These people want to get the most outlandish, the most titillating, the most holy-cow
stuff on film or on tape or in print that they can. Even to do a balanced story, even a reporter who is
looking to do a good story on us...has to ask. And they will say "OK. I hate to bring this up..."
Here it comes. Here it comes. You know it's coming..."But what about these things that I've heard...",
"Somebody told me that...you guys...(gestures) have sex in those suits?" I usually roll my eyes and I say:
"I have an idea. You go home and try having sex while you're wearing your sofa." I say,
"That suit over there costs seven thousand dollars. You cannot GET that fur anymore.
It's no longer made. The owner of that suit doesn't want me coming within twenty-five feet of him
with a cup of coffee!" Usually they back off. Usually you notice, I didn't say "no..."
(shrugs and raise his eyebrows) You never lie. Never, never like outright to the media. That's bad.
But there's lots of ways to answer a question. You can't get defensive. That's what they want.
If your back is to the wall and you have no better answer, just play dumb.
That's always worked real well for me. Best thing you can do is try to deflect a question.
Here, I need a volunteer.
went to said some really disturbing things to say about us, and made me feel very bad about myself.
And she couldn't even understand at first what we really were. And at the end of the day,
when we go back into the real world after having our question, people are going to ask questions!
And why shouldn't they. We're not afraid of questions. But they'll ask a lot.
And one of the first, maybe right out of the gate, "What is this"? Now, if you say
"...Oh! This is a convention for people that like cartoon characters. That like costumes.
That like puppets. That like drawing. It's got comedians in it." Did you notice all the pictures that marched
across your head when you said, "costumes, puppets, artists, stand-up comedians?" These are all
neat pictures. They are all positive pictures! They are pictures that you like!
We've had a few black eyes given to us by the media. We've had some really good reporting,
and we've had some reporting shall we say...focused on aspects of the fandom that we really try and
minimize. Every piece of bad press we've had all the way to the original MTV episode many years ago
to Tyra Banks has contained the disclaimer "We understand that furries have been treated unfairly by the
media, but we..." Uh huh. Yeah I probably have 600 emails in my archive that have that phrase in them.
They're all lying. These people want to get the most outlandish, the most titillating, the most holy-cow
stuff on film or on tape or in print that they can. Even to do a balanced story, even a reporter who is
looking to do a good story on us...has to ask. And they will say "OK. I hate to bring this up..."
Here it comes. Here it comes. You know it's coming..."But what about these things that I've heard...",
"Somebody told me that...you guys...(gestures) have sex in those suits?" I usually roll my eyes and I say:
"I have an idea. You go home and try having sex while you're wearing your sofa." I say,
"That suit over there costs seven thousand dollars. You cannot GET that fur anymore.
It's no longer made. The owner of that suit doesn't want me coming within twenty-five feet of him
with a cup of coffee!" Usually they back off. Usually you notice, I didn't say "no..."
(shrugs and raise his eyebrows) You never lie. Never, never like outright to the media. That's bad.
But there's lots of ways to answer a question. You can't get defensive. That's what they want.
If your back is to the wall and you have no better answer, just play dumb.
That's always worked real well for me. Best thing you can do is try to deflect a question.
Here, I need a volunteer.
Derek raises his hand.
UNCLE KAGE (pretending to be a reporter): Yes uh...What is this all about?
DEREK (raises his hand): Nothing.
UNCLE KAGE: That's a lie, they know that. (in reporter voice) What are you hiding? What do you not want us to see? What is all this that's going on here? (to another Volunteer) What's going on here?
STEPHANIE: Furry convention.
UNCLE KAGE: What is furry? And you say--
STEPHANIE: (nothing)
UNCLE KAGE: Very good, yes. Is this all about sex?!
STEPHANIE: (nothing)
UNCLE KAGE: Anyone got an answer.
CHARLEY (raises their hand): I've never heard of that before. I can't tell you anything about that,
but what I do know is, uh, we're having a large fursuit parade. There's going to be uh...
but what I do know is, uh, we're having a large fursuit parade. There's going to be uh...
UNCLE KAGE: That was good. That was very good. Give this cat a round of applause, everyone!
Everyone does.
UNCLE KAGE: You know, when we first started, reporters would come to talk to me and say
"I'd rather not, no." So they'd go and find someone who would. Well, we could go on and on with many
examples like Chewfox from Tyra Banks (takes a sip of wine, under his breath) ...stupid fuckin bitch. (beat)
I have worked very, very, very hard to foster good relationships with the media and the city of Pittsburgh.
The city of Pittsburgh loves us. The media likes us. I would like to keep it that way. The way we do that is
by very carefully controlling what gets said and what gets seen by members of the press.
I want them to see what I want this organization to look like! I want to put the best faces on it!
Guys look at this, this, this and this! If you show them the good stuff and just happen to neglect to show
them the guy in the diaper over there with the stuffed animal, shoved down in front of it, maybe...
Then you're just doing the opposite of what they came for anyway which was ignore the good stuff and
look at the freaky stuff. I know their game. I can play it too. People say "Uncle Kage is trying to control the
media". (yelling) "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM! 'BECAUSE IF I DON'T, WHO WILL?"
When the camera's on you, you're not talking about yourself. Stop being selfish.
When the camera's on you, you're talking about the furry fandom.
You have to represent all of us, not just your own little interests.
"I'd rather not, no." So they'd go and find someone who would. Well, we could go on and on with many
examples like Chewfox from Tyra Banks (takes a sip of wine, under his breath) ...stupid fuckin bitch. (beat)
I have worked very, very, very hard to foster good relationships with the media and the city of Pittsburgh.
The city of Pittsburgh loves us. The media likes us. I would like to keep it that way. The way we do that is
by very carefully controlling what gets said and what gets seen by members of the press.
I want them to see what I want this organization to look like! I want to put the best faces on it!
Guys look at this, this, this and this! If you show them the good stuff and just happen to neglect to show
them the guy in the diaper over there with the stuffed animal, shoved down in front of it, maybe...
Then you're just doing the opposite of what they came for anyway which was ignore the good stuff and
look at the freaky stuff. I know their game. I can play it too. People say "Uncle Kage is trying to control the
media". (yelling) "YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM! 'BECAUSE IF I DON'T, WHO WILL?"
When the camera's on you, you're not talking about yourself. Stop being selfish.
When the camera's on you, you're talking about the furry fandom.
You have to represent all of us, not just your own little interests.
You know, I don't understand. "Oh, we're all so open and accepting here."
No, we are not. We are tolerant. But if you give us a bad image,
this whole convention is going to go away. We rely on the goodwill of the people of Pittsburgh.
We do not want people to feel that they cannot be themselves.That is what being a furry is all about:
being yourself. If being yourself means wearing ass chaps and nipple clamps--OK, you know, whatever
...but, I reserve the right to chloroform you and put you into a hole in the ground until the press is gone.
Basically should boil down to: you do anything that embarrasses this convention,
we're going to take you out back and skull-fuck you.
No, we are not. We are tolerant. But if you give us a bad image,
this whole convention is going to go away. We rely on the goodwill of the people of Pittsburgh.
We do not want people to feel that they cannot be themselves.That is what being a furry is all about:
being yourself. If being yourself means wearing ass chaps and nipple clamps--OK, you know, whatever
...but, I reserve the right to chloroform you and put you into a hole in the ground until the press is gone.
Basically should boil down to: you do anything that embarrasses this convention,
we're going to take you out back and skull-fuck you.
You know, a few people might come up to you here who I've approved and deemed to be...
decent journalists, and they will ask all the time "Who are you?" or
"Who are the people in the furry community really like?" And I really resent that.
They shouldn't ask who we are. They should ask who we were.
We--we were the fat kid,the brainy kid, the bookish kid the kid with the big thick glasses,
the kid concerned about his sexual orientation, we were the kids who couldn't throw a baseball--
We were the kid that all the other kids for whatever reason said: "You don't belong with us." US!
Now human beings who are social animals, crave companionship and to deny companionship byour peers we sought it out in the next place we could. Some of us looked into the stars.
Others to the far past of human mystery. We looked to the smiling, happy, accepting faces we saw on the
Saturday morning cartoons. Now to answer your question, who are we?
We are adults who never forgot our old friends.
decent journalists, and they will ask all the time "Who are you?" or
"Who are the people in the furry community really like?" And I really resent that.
They shouldn't ask who we are. They should ask who we were.
We--we were the fat kid,the brainy kid, the bookish kid the kid with the big thick glasses,
the kid concerned about his sexual orientation, we were the kids who couldn't throw a baseball--
We were the kid that all the other kids for whatever reason said: "You don't belong with us." US!
Now human beings who are social animals, crave companionship and to deny companionship byour peers we sought it out in the next place we could. Some of us looked into the stars.
Others to the far past of human mystery. We looked to the smiling, happy, accepting faces we saw on the
Saturday morning cartoons. Now to answer your question, who are we?
We are adults who never forgot our old friends.
Thank you for listening, and enjoy FurrTopia 2019.
Everyone jumps up and cheers. He hands out schedules.
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