Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonalds Runs Out Of McNuggets (8.22.14)

Inspired by a news article of the same name.

#22: FLORIDA WOMAN CALLS 911 AFTER MCDONALDS RUNS OUT OF MCNUGGETS

(Lights up on L, a southern woman in a McDonald's in Ft. Pierce, Florida. Behind the register is A, an older woman)

A: Hello, welcome to McDonalds. How can I help you?

L: Yes, can I have a um…uh…

A: Here, look at the menu. Take your time.

L: Ok. Um. Can I have…

(On another side of the stage, enter L'S BOYFRIEND. He dials a number into a cell phone. Her phone rings)

L: Hold on a second. (she answers it) Hello? 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Hey baby. How you doin?

L: Aiight. 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Work ok?

L: Yeah.

L'S BOYFRIEND: U out now?

L: Yeah I'm at McDonalds now bae. 

L'S BOYFRIEND: When will you be back?

L: I don't know. I'm at the one on Deleware Street. So prolly like ten minutes so.

L'S BOYFRIEND: Watchu gettin?

L: I was just planning on gettin some McNuggets. Want anything? 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Ooooh. Get me…two Big Mac's and a large french fry. Damn I'm so hungry. There's no fucking food at this house.

L: Nah baby I don't got money for that. I don't get paid til Wednesday. I ain't spendin all that money. 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Shit man Im broke too.

L: I know.

L'S BOYFRIEND: How bout just fries? Can you do just fries?

L: Uh-uh. A small fry. You can have a small. fry. Ok? 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Ok.

L: Ok. Alright I love you bae.

L'S BOYFRIEND: I love you too, ok?

L: Ok. I'll be home soon. 

L'S BOYFRIEND: Bye bae.

(They hang up)

L: Sorry bout that. Uh. Can I get a. Ten piece chicken mcnuggets and uh…a small fry.

A: Ok. That'll be $5.75. Will that be cash or credit?

L: Cash.

A: Ok.

(L pays her exact change. A goes into the back of the restaurant where the deep frier is. This might be off-stage. She comes back with a McDonalds bag and hands it to her)

A: I'm really sorry, m'am. My mistake. We don't uh. We're out of. Chicken Mcnuggets but I was able to get the small fry.

L: (dumbfounded) Are you serious?

A: Yeah I'm really. Really sorry.

L: Damn man I've been waitin all god damn day--

A: Well we can do is--

L: Workin' long ass hours only to not get--

A: I understand you're upset--

L: This was the only fuckin' thing that got me through today.

A: Well if you order something that's--

L: How bout a McDouble? Can we do a McDouble on the dollar menu? And you just give me the difference?

A: I can't do that.

L: What? Why not?

A: It's corporate policy.

L: Fuck corporate policy! I need to speak to a manager.

A: I am the manager.

L: Seriously?

A: Yes. Seriously. I am serious. Ly. The manager.

L: This is terrible service man.

A: I really apologize m'am, but if you just order something that's the same price--a small cheeseburger, or even filet-o-fish--

L: I don't want that shit. Just. Just. Just. give me money back.

A: I…I can't do that. We have a no refunds policy.

L: Oh hell no! This is bullshit! This is fucking BULL. SHIT.

A: We might be able to get you a gift card?

L: I don't want a fucking gift card I want McNuggets!

A: Ok if you're going to--

L: I see what this is. This is fucking. I know what this is.

A: I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 

L: What am I gonna do? Disturb all the customers? Oh right there are none because it's 11:00 at night!

A: If you don't leave within the next five minutes I'm going to call the police. I don't have time for this. Just take your fries and go.

L: Oh what?!--

A: Just take your fries and go or I'm going to call the police.

L: Not if I call them first.

A: What?

L: Watch me!

(L dials 911 on her cell phone. Enter a 911 OPERATOR, on another side of the stage)

OPERATOR: 911 Do you need police fire or ambulance?

L: Police.

OPERATOR: Where?

L: I'm at the McDonalds on umm…Delaware.

OPERATOR: What's going on there?

L: I ordered huh umm the chicken nuggets with a small fries. And she's say that they don't have any chicken nuggets. So I told her I want a huh McDouble. And she told me I have to pick something else off the menu because she can't refund me huh the difference out of the meal. And I told he rust give me all my money back. She's telling me she can't give me my money back either. She will have to. I have to pick something.

OPERATOR: There's no manager there?

L: Nah?

OPERATOR: You already spoke with the manager?

L: She says she are the manager. She's saying something about she just can't refund me my money or something. But she don't have on the menu what I want. I wanted Chicken nuggets. And she didn't have that. So I told her to make it a McDouble and refund me the difference. She says she can't do that. So I told her, give me all of my money back. And I don't want anything. And she's telling me she can't refund my money on the house. She don't have what I want. And she can't force me to eat something I don't want it.

OPERATOR: Ok. We'll…send an officer right over to talk to you.

(Operator exits)

L: You heard that? You heart that? Johnny 5-0 gonna come on your ass.

A: Please leave. Just please, please go.

L: What are you gonna do? Get up and force me? Cuz I can charge you with assault too. Ok? I can charge you for assault. 

A: I--

L: This ain't right. This ain't right.

(Enter another customer, B)

A: Welcome to McDonald's. How can I help you?

B: Yes. Can I have--

L: They don't got any chicken mcnuggets.

B: (glaring at her) That's ok? I don't want any.

L: Alright. Just saying'.

B: Anyway, can I have two McFlurries?

A: You sure can. What kind? M&M? Or Oreo?

B: Would it be possible to put both in?

A: Sure can.

L: Can mix two Mcflurries together but can't get Chicken McNuggets.

B: What?

A: Uh--your total will be $4.05. Cash or credit?

B: Credit.

(They hand A their card and A swipes it. A gives B their receipt. A goes to the back to get the McFlurries)

L: This woman's a fuckin bitch. You know that?

B: What?

L: She's a fuckin trick. When the police come she's gonna get it?

B: The police?

L: Fuckin uppity cunt.

B: Who? Me or her?

L: You ask too many questions. Damn, man.

(A re-enters with a McDonalds bag)

A: Ok. Here you are.

(We hear sirens)

A: Oh god.

B: Why are the police here? Is something wrong?

A: She didn't get her McNuggets.

B: What?

A: That's right.

B: (confused) You called the police…for McNuggets…?

L: Damn straight.

(Enter a POLICEWOMAN)

POLICEMAN: Alright, whoever called 911 is under arrest for misuse of 911.

(Both A and B point to L)

POLICEWOMAN: Alright. Come with me. You have the right to remain silent.

(Policewoman arrests L)

L: This is bullshit! This is bullshit! I want my Mcnuggets!

(Blackout)