Shelly Sells Seashells Down By The Seashore (8.18.14)

#18: SHELLY SELLS SEASHELLS DOWN BY THE SEA SHORE 

(SCENE FOUR)

(Lights rise on Patty in the store, folding T-shirts. It is the early afternoon on a weekend. The phone rings)

PATTY: Hello, Son Of A Beach. Patty speaking. No I'm sorry. We're not interested. Yup. If you could put us on Your Do Not Call--yup. Uh huh. Thanks.

(She hangs up. After a few beats, the phone rings again)

PATTY: Hello, Son Of A Beach. Patty speaking. Nope. Sorry you have the wrong number.

(She hangs up. Sighs. Two CUSTOMERS come in with T-shirts with pot leaves and Rasta logos on and pants that sag down to their asses. They are high as fuck)

CUSTOMER #1: Yoooooo.

PATTY: How can I help you guys today?

CUSTOMER #2: Nah man we're just browsing.

PATTY: Ok.

(She continues to fold T-shirts, but keeps a watchful eye on them. After a few beats, MICHELLE enters. She is in her early 20's, and has an exotic look about her. She is bald. She wears a baggy sweater, shorts and flip-flops. She is beautiful, but not traditionally so)

PATTY: Hey. What can I do for you?

MICHELLE: Are you Patty?

PATTY: Whose asking?

MICHELLE: I uh. Saw some of the signs on the boardwalk and I.

PATTY: You lookin for a job?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

PATTY: Ohkay…uh…you got time for an interview?

MICHELLE: Now?

PATTY: Why not?

MICHELLE: I didn't bring a resume or--

PATTY: Oh. Well uh. In that case, fill out this out for me--

(She looks behind the counter)

PATTY: (under her breath) Really Dad? No fucking forms…

MICHELLE: What?

PATTY: I was just talking to myself. Uh.

(She takes a piece of paper and a pen and puts it on the counter)

PATTY: Here. Just write down your contact info and some references…previous experience.

(She scrawls something down. Patty stares at the Customers. They are giggling and texting)

PATTY: Are you from here?

MICHELLE: (as she writes) I'm not, actually.

PATTY: Where ya from?

MICHELLE: Upstate New York.

PATTY: Ah. (beat) You have two years of retail experience, right? Cause the flyer--

MICHELLE: Here. Hold on. I'm writing it all down.

PATTY. (laughs, nervously) Ha. Ok.

(After a beat, Michelle finishes the form. She hands it to Patty)

MICHELLE: Sorry if my handwriting's.

PATTY: You're twenty-one?

MICHELLE: Yup.

PATTY: You look older.

MICHELLE: I…uh. Get that a lot.

PATTY: Ok… Pottery Barn, Sears…this looks good. 

(She looks up and the stoner Customers are taking pictures of the shirts)

PATTY: Hey! No pictures of the merchandise. I know what you guys do--put it on the internet and shit.

CUSTOMER #1: What?

CUSTOMER #2: C'mon man, be cool.

PATTY: I swear to God I will call boardwalk security. Get outta here.

CUSTOMER #1: Man, this some bullshit.

CUSTOMER #2: This lady's crazy as fuck. 

PATTY: Get. Out.

CUSTOMER #1: Damn man, fuck her.

(They exit)

PATTY: That's some shit. That's normal, by the way. Just so you know.

MICHELLE: That's ok. I'm used to assholes like that. I mean. Sorry. Jerks.

PATTY: Ok. Anyway…uh...High school education, but no college?

MICHELLE: No.

PATTY: Alright. And I see two reference's here. Cool. Now uh, listen. I gotta ask you this. Have you ever been to rehab…or prison or something?

MICHELLE: …No. No I haven't.

PATTY: I mean we have to ask everyone, so. You can be honest. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but uh--

MICHELLE: I haven't been to prison or rehab.

PATTY: --A lot of junkies coming through here, know--

MICHELLE: Yeah.

PATTY: Ok. A few other questions. Um. So, why do you uh…need this job. Why should I hire you.

MICHELLE: I uh, I really need a job. I just moved here from…Albany, and I'm staying with my friend Emily down the street.

PATTY: Where?

MICHELLE: On…Kearny.

PATTY: Ok. (beat) Why are you bald?

MICHELLE: What?

PATTY: Why are you bald.

MICHELLE: Oh. My mom had cancer, so I uh. Shaved my head when she lost all hers.

PATTY: That's nice.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

PATTY: Is she here or in Albany?

MICHELLE: Is this still part of the interview?

PATTY: Just asking. Ok. Uh. What are your great strengths?

MICHELLE: I'm…a hard worker, and I learn this quickly.

PATTY: Weaknesses?

MICHELLE: Uh…I'm not always the most outgoing person. I guess.

PATTY: Describe a difficult work situation and what you did to overcome it.

(A beat as Michelle thinks)

MICHELLE: One time when I was working a Pottery Barn, one of my manager had anger problems and kept yelling at the customers…so after work I'd drive him to anger management.

PATTY: What would he say when I got angry?

MICHELLE: He would just…scowl at everyone. And would get really aggressive.

PATTY: Huh.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

(A silence. Michelle knows she's bombed the question)

MICHELLE: So uh, listen--I actually, I hate to do this, but I have another interview in like…ten minutes?

PATTY: Oh shit. Ok. Well uh, listen--do you have a phone number or an email--?

MICHELLE: Uh. I actually don't…have either of those right now. I'm kind of…broke. So--

PATTY: How can I get in touch with you then?

MICHELLE: I can…call you? Later tonight? If that's.

PATTY: Oh ok. Sure. Here's my cell.

(She writes down her cell phone number)

PATTY: I hope you get a phone soon. That sucks.

MICHELLE: It's kinda nice, actually. But yes, for things like this it's…inconvenient. I understand.

(She takes her phone number)

MICHELLE: Thanks. I'm sorry I had to cut this short.

PATTY: No, no. I have a few appointments later too…so.

MICHELLE: Ok yeah. Thanks!

PATTY: Thank you!

(Michelle exits. Blackout.

When light's rise again, we back at the house. Howard is in his wheelchair. Him and Patty are eating Doritos and drinking beer)

HOWARD: And so then she calls me--whining--"Uncle Howie, I need this job, I need this job, please Uncle Howie…" Just like a little girl.

PATTY: Oh god.

HOWARD: And I said "Ginny, as long as you're with that scumbag piece of shit, you are not working at Son Of A Beach. And he is never working here again!" And I just hung up.

PATTY: You know her. She always tried to keep second jobs while working at the store and had the damnest time holding one down.

HOWARD: Yeah well, if she can live with a shitty boyfriend she can live with a shitty job. Not my problem. I'm too old and too sick to deal with her shit. She's gonna be the death of me, I swear.

PATTY: Dad.

HOWARD: It's true.

PATTY: Well…fuck her. I interviewed someone today.

HOWARD: No way. Wow. How'd it go?

PATTY: Well first off, I didn't have any applications because there weren't any under the counter like any other fucking store.

HOWARD: I only hired family!

PATTY: Surely people musta come in and asked.

HOWARD: I told 'em we weren't hiring. 

PATTY: Well. Anyway. She was…pretty. She was really pretty.

HOWARD: What'd she look like?

PATTY: Green eyes…fair skin…she had um. Really short, brown hair. She was cute. Kinda plain personality, but uh. I don't know, I think I'm gonna hire her.

HOWARD: You think she's lesbian?

PATTY: Dad.

HOWARD: Was she?

PATTY: I don't know.

HOWARD: You said she had short hair.

PATTY: That doesn't automatically make her a. 

HOWARD: How do you tell if someone's. Ya know.

PATTY: What?

HOWARD: Like how do you know if someone's a lesbian? Like what if you wanna pick a girl up…but you don't know or something?

PATTY: Dad, I'm not talking about this with you.

HOWARD: I never asked but I always have wondered about that. Anyway uh…ok. What's she like? Why'd she need the job.

PATTY: She just moved here. She's staying with a friend, I guess. She needs money.

HOWARD: Did you ask her why she moved?

PATTY: I don't know. She mentioned something about her mom having cancer…it sounded a bit…

HOWARD: …

PATTY: Messy? Destitute? 

HOWARD: Destitute? I don't like that. Make sure that she's not an ex-convict or a…junkie or something. Did she have all her teeth? Did she look weird at all?

PATTY: No, dad. She's just…a young and broke college student. I have a good feeling about her.

HOWARD: Make sure you're not thinking with your suzy, Patty.

PATTY: Did you just refer to my vagina as a 'suzy'? (she laughs) A suzy.

(She takes a sip of her beer)

PATTY: You're an old coot. You know that? An old coot. (she chuckles) That's a funny word. Coot.

HOWARD: You know, I hope for your sake this girl's a lesbian. And you that if she is, you don't hire her.

PATTY: What?

HOWARD: It'd be nice to see you dating again. You're always so much happier when you're dating.

PATTY: Dad, we need an employee more than I need a girlfriend. Besides, I just said she was cute. I didn't say I wanted to wife her.

HOWARD: You and Meghan were so cute together.

PATTY: Why is everyone bringing up Meghan? She cheated on me, she sucks. End of story.

HOWARD: You guys were just too cute. Ya know? (beat) Trust me, if you don't find someone now, you're gonna spend your whole life wishing you did. Take it from me.

PATTY: Thirty is not old.

HOWARD: Your mom and I met when I was twenty-nine. Had you when I was…thirty-one.

PATTY: Well, it's not like my biological clock is necessary factor in this occasion. 

HOWARD: It would really make me happy. To see you with someone before I.

PATTY: Dad.

HOWARD: I didn't say it was gonna happen right away.

PATTY: Dad. I don't need someone to be healthy. That's a sexist micro aggression set forth by.

HOWARD: Oh come on, Patty. Like you don't get lonely and would like to have someone. That's not anti-feminist or whatever, that's the truth--

PATTY: I mean it's not like I haven't tried--

HOWARD: --I mean, I don't know how it is in the lesbian world, I mean…I know it's probably to harder to find someone--

PATTY: Dad--

HOWARD: --But it's not like the dark ages for cryin' out loud! There's the internet…and I've seen a few of those trucker lesbian down at the bars before--

PATTY: --Dad, look. Right now…it hasn't been my top priority. And let me worry about being alone forever, not you. Ok? (beat) Besides…it's…it's nice to not have to worry about a relationship, ok? I mean between Ginny and the store is enough. 

(Patty's phone rings)

PATTY: Saved by the bell. (She checks it) I don't know this number. Oh wait, this must be the girl. (she answers) Hello? Hi. Yeah, I figured it was you. Um.

(Patty crosses to leave the room)

PATTY: Yeah, so uh…are you free to start tomorrow?

(Blackout)