Moral Panic (8.9.14)

This is for you, that one person who is always posting about the "hookup culture". And for J, who talked to me about the shallowness of gay men on the internet. This is also for people who believe in monogamy, and people who don't.

#9: MORAL PANIC

(Lights rise on JOEY, a sexy would-be artist type. Tattoos, shaved head [or maybe long hair? either way--an extreme]. He is on his iPhone on his bed)

JOEY: (parodying the Kesha song) It's going down/I'm going Tinder/I'm really horny Are there hot guys/La la la/La la la la la…

(A beat)

JOEY: Load. Cmon.

(A beat)

JOEY: If this doesn't load it just means I shouldn't be on here.

(A beat)

JOEY: There's so many guys with weird shaped heads on here.

(A beat. Then we hear a ding)

JOEY: Congrats. It's a match. Wow, he is cute.

(Lights rise on Steve, in a separate space, on a couch)

JOEY: Hey. Cute pic.

STEVE: Thanks. U 2.

JOEY: U have a nice beard. I like men with some scruff hehe.

STEVE: Haha thx.

JOEY: What're you up to?

STEVE: Just got off from work. Tired af. Lol

JOEY: What do you do?

STEVE: I'm a waiter. U?

JOEY: Currently unemployed. Lol

STEVE: Oh lol

JOEY: Im a painter tho

STEVE: That's cool

JOEY: Thx

(A pause in the conversation)

JOEY: Do you have any other pics?

STEVE: I don't send out pics like that

JOEY: O Im sorry haha

STEVE: Its cool. I'd b happy to meet though. Then you can see it. Winky face.

JOEY: Winky face.

STEVE: R u free?

JOEY: Sure. Come over. 39 Janis Joplin Ave.

(Blackout. Lights rise again in the foyer of Joey's apartment, center)

JOEY: Steve?

STEVE: Yeah.

JOEY: Here, come in.

(He does)

STEVE: Nice place.

JOEY: Thanks it's kinda messy but.

STEVE: Do you have roommates?

JOEY: Nah.

STEVE: Sweet.

JOEY: You?

STEVE: Yeah. One. Her name is Natalie. She was one of my good friends from college. So it works out.

JOEY: Oh.

STEVE: It's ok. But. Yknow. Personal space.

(They chuckle)

JOEY: Can I get you something?

STEVE: Uh--

JOEY: Water? Beer?

STEVE: Oh. No. I'm good thanks.

(A silence)

JOEY: I could…show you my room?

STEVE: Ok.

(They go into his room)

STEVE: Wow. This is nice. Cool view.

JOEY: Thanks.

STEVE: Better than mine.

(A silence)

JOEY: I have to admit. You're really cute.

(Steve blushes)

JOEY: I'm glad you didn't show me other pictures. This was better.

(A beat)

JOEY: Can I kiss you?

(Steve nods, sheepishly. Joey goes in for it. He slowly begins unbuttoning Steve's shirt. Then things get incredibly sexually charged. He begins kissing his chest and making his way down. Then--)

STEVE: Um. You're not just gonna like. Fuck me and then leave me and never call me again, right?

(Joey has to do a double-take for a second)

JOEY: Um. Uh.

(A silence)

JOEY: No?

STEVE: No. You know what, you're totally gonna do that. I think this was a bad idea.

JOEY: Wait, what?

STEVE: You just want to use me, don't you?

JOEY: I would like to think of it more as us…using each other? I mean it's just some casual sex. And if you wan't, we don't even have to have sex--

STEVE: It's just that, I'm tired of this like-- "hookup culture" you know? I mean think about it. We've said like twenty words to each other, and then you're about to like…see me naked? And be inside me? I mean that's so intimate, right?

(A silence. The words "hookup culture" hits Joey like a ton of bricks)

JOEY: Yeah, I think you're probably right. This was a bad idea.

(Steve begins to leave)

STEVE: You know what? You're a douche. An attractive douche, but still a douche. You don't even want to get to know me. You just see me as a piece of meat with a nice beard. I might as well not even have a name to you. I might as well just be "Asshole Number Fifty Million And Seven". I might as well not even have a body. Just like, a face--a penis, two legs, and two buttcheeks.

JOEY: Look--what part of casual sex do you not understand? Do you not understand the mechanics of "Tinder"?

STEVE: No, I do. You don't. It's a dating app. Do you understand this is a date?

JOEY: Yeah. A hookup slash sex date. Not like, a date…date. A date date would be like, us talking for a really long time and then me taking you out to like, a movie…or a show…or a restaurant.

STEVE: Just because it's at someone's house doesn't automatically make it a sex date. I don't owe you sex, dude. Just because we agreed to meet up doesn't mean I agreed to you putting your dick in my ass.

JOEY: Ok, you're the one who wanted to hold off on dirty pictures so we could meet in PERSON--

STEVE: I don't send dirty pictures. I just meant normal, G-rated FACE pictures. If you were to have sent me a cock pic, I would've blocked you. That's so sleazy.

(A silence)

JOEY: I honestly can't…believe this is happening. I can't believe I'm getting a lesson on the…ethics and the morality of casual sex from a guy from TINDER. The irony here is.

STEVE: I mean what's the point of just meeting guys on Tinder and watching them come in and out like a revolving door? Where's the stability in that?

(A silence)

JOEY: There…is none. But I didn't sign up for stability. I signed up to meet cute guys.

STEVE: Yeah, well, I signed up for Tinder so I could get a boyfriend.

JOEY: W-w-w-wait. Are you saying based on our essentially twenty-word conversation as you described it, you thought I was boyfriend material?

STEVE: I mean, maybe? 

JOEY: Listen--some advice? You can't go out meeting guys like every one of them could be the Ken to your Barbie and that you'll be together forever. You can't just…look for a boyfriend in every man you meet. Boyfriends find you. And sometimes casual sex can turn into that, sometimes it's just casual sex. Look, besides the instilled serial monogamist attitude you're giving off here, I'm sure you're a great guy, but not everyone wants to be wifed right away? Ok?

(A silence)

JOEY: I just got out of a relationship, and I'm trying to figure myself out. I just want to have fun with some cute guys. And that's not to say I'd never call you back, it just means I'm not looking to spend the rest of my days with you.

(A silence)

STEVE: Yeah well, I'm not your human flesh light. I'm a person. And you should've at least taken the chance to get to know me before draining my sack, ok? I feel objectified. This is shallow. You're shallow. And next time I think you should be more clear about your intentions.

(Steve storms out)

JOEY: Good look finding Mr. Right! I'm sure he's every guy who you match with on Tinder!

(Blackout)