You Can't Spell Fraudulent Without Fun (8.5.14)

I have to confess - I wrote A LOT of this during the National Theatre Institute. But I never finished it. And I edited it extensively. This play is a response to the play "The Worms" by Nick Mecikalaski which I directed during my time at the Naitonal Theatre Institute. This play is dedicated to Nick, my cast of The Worms and especially Olivia Atwood - who originated the role of Janine, and to whom this piece was written for. Xoxo.

#5: YOU CANT SPELL FRAUDULENT WITHOUT FUN

(Enter JANINE HARRIS. She is a quirky woman in her mid-forties. She wears a business suit that is so mis-matched that it is offensive. She has pencils in her hair, and very large yellow framed glasses and hideous patent leather shoes. She carries an absurdly large purse which does not match with the rest of her outfit whatsoever)

Hi! My name is Janine Harris, and I'd like to thank you all for letting me come here tonight. It's a nice change from my usual [insert day here] nights where I'm usually scraping my husband's bedpan. HA! Just kidding. I shouldn't joke about that. He is terminally ill, to the point of it being completely physical debilitating -- but still kickin! Still kickin, and still, somehow making more money than me. But uh, look I've had success as a writer! Ok? A Lot of success!! The five writing credits on my IMDB are not lying. Except maybe my writers credit for "All My Children", where, if you can believe all the seven segments that I wrote except for half of one were actually discarded on the cutting room floor. And I wrote seven. Seven drafts! I mean what are the odds that out of those seven, only half of one episode--not even a full one--would make the cut! How funny! But hey, I've written other things too- back in 2002 I co-wrote a Lifetime movie called "Nungeria" about being a transgender nun in Nigeria starring Macauley Culkin as the nun, and uh, a few years ago I wrote an animated short called "Minivans In Love" for Pixar which was partially animated, but never finished because the producers ran out of money so it hasn't gotten a commercial release YET, but hey I'm not given up! Yknow what? Why don't you all just um, take a copy of my resume just in case there's anyone of notoriety in the audience, or just, anyone who gives a rat's patoot at all would just be great!! Here, just uh. Pass this down.

(She opens up her purse and a bunch of papers spill out, as well as other assorted items - an apple core, a slice of pizza, cat food, a bedpan, etc)

Ya know it's funny, ya can't really get to know a person from just their resume right? I mean, come on! I know what it's gotten me! A bunch of uh…shitty jobs and unemployment! 

Ya know. With all this bad luck you'd a thought "Wow, this lady must have no faith in God!" And well, that's not true! It's not that I don't believe in the almighty…I just think he's ah, well…kinda out to lunch! It's like he just left us in the 80's and was like, "You're on your own, world!" Because let's admit it, everything has kindof uh, been more or less going downhill from there. Let's see. Early 80's. I graduated from the Danielle Steel Writer's Institute in Detroit with a degree in Romance Writing and then I decided that what I really loved was animals. 

So I worked a bunch of odd jobs--I was a gravedigger, I made whips for dominatrixes, did studies for weird psychiatrist drug trials for money--and started a ferret sanctuary with a bunch of my gal pals. But it only lasted two months before it was later was burned down in an act of arson thanks to a bunch of PETA protesters. All the ferrets died of carbon monoxide poisoning except for the one ferret that survive--Harriet, who actually died the next day of an early onset of ferret HIV, which was very prevalent back then. But then I really hit rock bottom when, on the way back from her service, I drank six bottles of mouth wash and tried to drive home and ended up crashing into an AA building, ironically, and injured a few people twhen I got my first DUI--I got three more after that, sometimes ya just can't learn your lesson the first time--so after that, although I was left virtually broke, penniless and friendless…so then finally moved in with my mom who had gooch cancer. And then a few years later, I was selected to be randomly audited by the IRS and they found out that I uh, actually hadn't been paying my taxes for seven years! So as my luck had it, I did a brief stint in the slammer. But hey, having Tax Fraud on your permanent record isn't so bad. I mean, ya can't spell fraudulent without fun, right?! 

But luckily due to my cocktail of mental illnesses, I went away for fifteen years…and when I was finally let go, I was more broke and unemployable then ever before--which you'd think would stop me but no sire! Not old Janeeners! Not Good. Old. Janine! HA! Janine's not going anywhere! Because God is…with us! Ok! And he's got a plan for me. Even though he is um…well, not here. Ever. But as I learned in AA, "we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to 

sanity!" Right? 

(Her eye twitches)

Did I ever tell you about when I got out of the funny farm? Oh god. That's a story. Well, it was my first day out on the streets again, and while I was in Piss Alley looking for some blow, I met this guy named Fernando. And well, one thing led to another--he told me that my body was tight as hell, and back then it was--and he told me could set me up with a job and a place to stay. So, we slept in his room at the Motel Eight for a few months which was um…better than being cold hungry and alone, but ah…not the Ritz! (snorting laughter) But uh, Fernando did have restless leg syndrome and would kick me in the face every seventeen minutes, sleeping in his bed was better than the streets of Detroit. So then, he did follow through and set me up with a job. This old gal was gonna be a drug mule! 

He gave me a bunch of old hallowed out Easter Eggs filled with black tar heroin, which I stuffed up my fish dish and headed south of the boarder to Meh-he-co! However, on the way down I took a bit of a tumble trying to find the cartel's building in the desert and fell into a ditch. All the eggs exploded inside of me, and ah…well, I had a bit of a trip! HA! Get it? 

Anyway yeah -- there are several gaps in my memory after that. I mean, years that I can't remember. So then, fast-forward to my mother's funeral. The gooch cancer took her, and for the first time, I met my whole extended family. Now, there was a very handsome gentleman in the back of the room with a lazy eye and a toupee who came up to me offered me a tissue. He said that he didn't know my mother very well, but thought I had a "rockin *beep*". So, then a few drinks of champagne with him at the reception turned into a few bottles, and then we ended up doing the reverse cowgirl in the back seat of his Chevy pickup truck…and that's how I met Richard, my cousin and my husband. 

You guys probably know my husband Richard Harris from his sci-fi and fantasy novels "A Ripple In The Space-Time Continuum", "The Minotaur Diaries" and his books for children such as "The Boogeyman Is Actually A Homeless Drifter With Rabies Under My Bed" and "How Do Mermaids Have Babies And Other Inconsistencies Within The Fantasy Genre"? And even though his books have been given stellar reviews in the Chicago Tribune, New York Times Best Seller List and given a Newbury Honor Award in 2007 and 2009. So.

It was hard when Richard was so successful to break in myself. It's been hard to find good collaborators in film and television because it's such a…shallow industry. But I did meet one great collaborator named Smith Monahagan, who I wrote "Nungeria" with who quit the industry. And uuh. I'm coming up with a new screenplay that I was inspired to write when I was spending a lot of time with him and his daughter. The Monahagans. It's called "The Violet Time Luminesence." It's about a blonde Arabic woman named Becky reporting on the 2020 Olympic Games in Venice who falls in love with a professional ping-pong player named Toshiki who also happens to be a world-renown butoh performance artist..and they get into this gondola accent…"