Shelly Sells Seashells Down By The Seashore, Scene Nine (8.28.14)

#28: SHELLY SELLS SEASHELLS DOWN BY THE SEASHORE

(SCENE NINE)

(Lights up on the shop. Patty and Michelle are behind the counter, bored. One customer is in the store. He is an old homeless man)

PATTY: I hate this shit.

MICHELLE: What.

(Patty acknowledges the Homeless man)

MICHELLE: He's just an old man.

PATTY: I've seen him begging outside of the store. Watch, he's gonna stay in here forever and just bide time and then leave. 

MICHELLE: He can probably hear you.

PATTY: I don't care. It's true.

(A silence)

PATTY: I just don't have respect for people like him. He just sits there and panhandles, like the world owes him something.

MICHELLE: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

PATTY: Oh, yeah. Who said that?

MICHELLE: T.H. Thompson.

PATTY: Who's that?

MICHELLE: I don't know, actually. A writer I think.

(A silence)

MICHELLE: You know sometimes people choose to be homeless.

PATTY: I don't get that.

MICHELLE: It seems kind of…liberating. To own nothing and live…nomadically.

PATTY: And to bum off people and have no money? Sounds like a walk in the park. 

MICHELLE: Maybe I'm romanticizing it.

(A silence) 

MICHELLE: Hey…what would you say if I went by Shelly?

PATTY: Shelly?

MICHELLE: Instead of Michelle.

PATTY: Oh. Huh.

MICHELLE: I know it seems kind of…like a little girl's name. But I think I like the way it sounds.

PATTY: Shelly.

MICHELLE: Yeah.

PATTY: I like it. It's cute.

(A silence)

PATTY: It's kinda funny. I don't think I know many people without a -y name.

MICHELLE: Hmm?

PATTY: Well it's just my name is Patty. My dad's name is Howie. Then there's Ginny…and then if you're Shelly.

MICHELLE: Huh.

PATTY: I don't know. Forget I said anything. (beat) Hey I have an idea.

MICHELLE: What?

PATTY: I'm gonna get something from the back.

(Patty exits. A moment passes. Then she re-enters with a small pad in hand and a pencil.

PATTY: Do you wanna play Mad Libs?

MICHELLE: Mad Libs?

PATTY: Have you never played Mad Libs?

MICHELLE: No?

PATTY: Ok. It's where you like, make a story but you have to fill in the nouns, verbs and stuff…? It's fun.

MICHELLE: Ok.

PATTY: You'll see. 

MICHELLE: Ok.

PATTY: Alright. (beat) The options are: A Day At The Zoo, At The Arcade, At The Fun Park, Easter Mad Lib, My Trip To Disney World…?

MICHELLE: Disney World.

PATTY: Ok. I need a Friend's Name.

MICHELLE: …Patty?

(She writes the following down)

PATTY: Ok. (beat) Now I need a number.

MICHELLE: 500…thousand.

PATTY: I need a vehicle.

MICHELLE: A…hummer.

PATTY: Ok. An adjective.

MICHELLE: What's that again?

PATTY: It describes something.

MICHELLE: Oh. Right. Uh. smelly.

PATTY: I need another adjective.

MICHELLE: Um…shitty. No wait. Super shitty. Yeah. Super shitty.

PATTY: I need a verb ending in -ing.

MICHELLE: …Shoplifting.

PATTY: An animal.

MICHELLE: Um…a kangaroo. No wait. An octopus. No wait. A three legged…pig. Three legged pig.

PATTY: (looking up) That's specific.

MICHELLE: I'm all about specificity.

PATTY: Another adjective.

MICHELLE: Obese.

PATTY: Past tense verb.

MICHELLE: Exploded.

PATTY: Adjective.

MICHELLE: Um…Mormon.

(They both laugh)

PATTY: Noun.

MICHELLE: Mouse.

PATTY: Past Tense Verb.

MICHELLE: Burped.

PATTY: Another Past Tense Verb.

MICHELLE: Screamed. Wait. Screamed bloody murder.

PATTY: That's dark. Now, a place.

MICHELLE: Seaside Heights.

PATTY: A verb. This is the last one, so make it good.

MICHELLE: Ok…um. (beat) Toot. Fart. I don't know, which one is funnier. Toot or fart?

PATTY: Fart.

MICHELLE: You're right.

PATTY: Ok, are you ready to hear it?

MICHELLE: Yeah.

PATTY: "My Trip To Disney World". Last month, I went to Disney world with Patty. We traveled for 500,000 hours by Hummer. We got there and it was very smelly. There were super shitty people shoplifting everywhere. There were also people dressed up in three legged pig costumes. I wish it had been more obese, but we exploded anyway. We went on some Mormon rides called "Magic Mouse". I nearly fell of the ride and had to be burped. Later we went to the hotel and screamed bloody murder. Next year, I want to go to Seaside Heights, where we can fart.

MICHELLE: That's…beautiful. That's poetry.

PATTY: That was hilarious.

(A silence)

PATTY: Let's play Hangman.

MICHELLE: You are all about the word-play today.

PATTY: Am I ever.

(She finds another piece of paper and sets up hang man)

PATTY: Cmon. Gimme letters.

MICHELLE: Alright uh…A. (beat) Ok. Two A's. (beat) E. (beat) I. (beat) O. (beat) U. (beat) I'm good. Ok…S. (beat) One S. R? (beat) Two R's. (beat) F?

PATTY: No F.

MICHELLE: B?

PATTY: No B.

MICHELLE: K? (beat) One K. (beat) X?

PATTY: Nope.

MICHELLE: …M?

PATTY: Nope. Only one more and you're hung.

MICHELLE: …C?

PATTY: You're hung.

(She fills out the hangman)

MICHELLE: (reading aloud) Lets hang out after work. 

PATTY: Whaddya say?

MICHELLE: I…

PATTY: Cmon. What are you gonna do.

MICHELLE: Alright. Here. I'll write down my grandma's address.

PATTY: I thought you were living with your friend?

MICHELLE: No, I'm with my grandma now.

PATTY: (confused) Oh.

MICHELLE: Come by at like…eleven. 

PATTY: That's so late.

MICHELLE: She's a late sleeper. Listen, I have your number. I'll call you from her phone. Ok?

PATTY: You better not flake on me.

MICHELLE: I won't, ok?

PATTY: Alright. (beat. To Customer) Hey buddy. You gonna buy something?

(After no time at all, enter PATTY'S MOM. She is of middle aged, but still very attractive. She has a perm and wears very nice clothing. It's clear she has money)

PATTY'S MOM: Hey.

PATTY: (very confused) Mom?

PATTY'S MOM: Hi, honey!

PATTY: Oh my god!

(She goes from behind the counter and hugs her)

PATTY: Mom, what're you doing here?

PATTY'S MOM: You remember my friend Dara, right? 

PATTY: Oh, yeah.

PATTY'S MOM: Well she called me up out of the blue and wanted to meet, and I figured I hadn't been down here in a while…and I wanted to check up on you. Plus I had some time off of work…(beat) It's been a really really long time hasn't it.

PATTY: That's for sure.

PATTY'S MOM: Place still looks the exact same since Linda died.

PATTY: Well what did you expect? Dad to roll over and redecorate it?

PATTY'S MOM: Where's Ginny?

PATTY: She doesn't work here anymore. We hired someone new.

PATTY'S MOM: What? It's always been run by family.

PATTY: This is Michelle. 

MICHELLE: I'm going by Shelly now, remember?

PATTY: Oh, right. Shelly. She filled in for Ginny.

PATTY'S MOM: What happened to Ginny?

PATTY: It's a long story.

PATTY'S MOM: How's your father?

PATTY: He's the same.

PATTY'S MOM: Where is he?

PATTY: At the house.

PATTY'S MOM: Oh. Ok.

PATTY: Yeah.

(A silence)

PATTY'S MOM: Well listen, why don't we meet for dinner. When do you get off? Do you guys need a hand? I used to fill in here too, remember--

PATTY: No, no. We're good.

PATTY'S MOM: (indicating the Customer) Whose that guy?

PATTY: A customer, mom.

PATTY'S MOM: Alright.

PATTY: I can't stay out too late though, cuz…I have plans. (to Michelle) Right?

PATTY'S MOM: (Like a date?) Oh…!

MICHELLE: Yeah. But not until later.

PATTY'S MOM: Alright, well…gimme a call. I missed you, sweetie.

(Blackout)